I've thought a lot about this post. I was so confident when I got pregnant that I wouldn't miscarry, because Heavenly Father knew I wasn't strong enough to handle that. It's always amazing to me that He feels I can bear harder burdens than I think I can. I guess the key is to lean on Him. My faith has grown a lot over the last year and it continues to grow through this trial.
I debated whether to share our exciting news before the 2nd trimester, and I felt that I should. I know some people regret having to un-share the news. I still believe it was the right choice for us. I needed the amazing outpouring of joyful support for my pregnancy. It made me feel so special and loved, and helped me through the nausea and fatigue. Now, we are again flooded with loving support for our loss. I would have been so sad to have never had the opportunity to share my excitement. I am surrounded with a support system of which I never before recognized the extent.
I had mild cramping and brown spotting starting Thursday night. I tried to rest but wasn't overly concerned. Saturday night the cramps worsened and I started bleeding. I felt we should go to the emergency room. I didn't really think we were losing the pregnancy. We were blessed to be alone in the ER due to a big football game, so we got in immediately. Things got a lot worse once we were there. Due to a lab error, they were confused as to the situation at first. It was a pretty awful experience even before they told me I was miscarrying, but Nathan was amazingly supportive and held my hand through the worst of it.
The baby died about a week ago. The ultrasound showed nothing but fluid and dissolving tissue in my uterus. They wouldn't let me eat or drink in case I needed surgery, and I collapsed on the bathroom floor at one point due to low blood sugar. That was so much fun. They admitted me to the hospital in the wee hours because of how much blood I was losing.
Everyone was very, very nice and I tried hard to smile and thank everyone. There was no point in being a grouch. Funny story - when I was discharged the next morning, the nurse who wheeled me out apparently didn't know why I was there. She made small talk while we waited for the car. She asked if we had children and I said not yet. She immediately said, "That's so nice! You have a quiet house!" I laughed once I was in the car. What else could I do?
While I'm grieving, I was able to hold it together pretty well in the hospital and I'm working to find the good things. I'm grateful to feel well physically again. My house has been a mess and I haven't cooked much for several weeks. I'm grateful for the opportunity to finish canning season. I'm grateful for insurance and flexible spending money, so I had no concerns about going to the hospital to get answers. I know not everyone has that luxury. I'm very grateful for the kind words and gestures that have come our way. There are beautiful flowers on our kitchen table. I'm grateful for a loving husband, even though I'm concerned about how he's really feeling right now.
My turn will come. I will be a mom. But right now, I'm gonna cry for awhile.