Monday, September 19, 2011

Miscarriage

I've thought a lot about this post. I was so confident when I got pregnant that I wouldn't miscarry, because Heavenly Father knew I wasn't strong enough to handle that. It's always amazing to me that He feels I can bear harder burdens than I think I can. I guess the key is to lean on Him. My faith has grown a lot over the last year and it continues to grow through this trial.

I debated whether to share our exciting news before the 2nd trimester, and I felt that I should. I know some people regret having to un-share the news. I still believe it was the right choice for us. I needed the amazing outpouring of joyful support for my pregnancy. It made me feel so special and loved, and helped me through the nausea and fatigue. Now, we are again flooded with loving support for our loss. I would have been so sad to have never had the opportunity to share my excitement. I am surrounded with a support system of which I never before recognized the extent.

I had mild cramping and brown spotting starting Thursday night. I tried to rest but wasn't overly concerned. Saturday night the cramps worsened and I started bleeding. I felt we should go to the emergency room. I didn't really think we were losing the pregnancy. We were blessed to be alone in the ER due to a big football game, so we got in immediately. Things got a lot worse once we were there. Due to a lab error, they were confused as to the situation at first. It was a pretty awful experience even before they told me I was miscarrying, but Nathan was amazingly supportive and held my hand through the worst of it.

The baby died about a week ago. The ultrasound showed nothing but fluid and dissolving tissue in my uterus. They wouldn't let me eat or drink in case I needed surgery, and I collapsed on the bathroom floor at one point due to low blood sugar. That was so much fun. They admitted me to the hospital in the wee hours because of how much blood I was losing.

Everyone was very, very nice and I tried hard to smile and thank everyone. There was no point in being a grouch. Funny story - when I was discharged the next morning, the nurse who wheeled me out apparently didn't know why I was there. She made small talk while we waited for the car. She asked if we had children and I said not yet. She immediately said, "That's so nice! You have a quiet house!" I laughed once I was in the car. What else could I do?

While I'm grieving, I was able to hold it together pretty well in the hospital and I'm working to find the good things. I'm grateful to feel well physically again. My house has been a mess and I haven't cooked much for several weeks. I'm grateful for the opportunity to finish canning season. I'm grateful for insurance and flexible spending money, so I had no concerns about going to the hospital to get answers. I know not everyone has that luxury. I'm very grateful for the kind words and gestures that have come our way. There are beautiful flowers on our kitchen table. I'm grateful for a loving husband, even though I'm concerned about how he's really feeling right now.

My turn will come. I will be a mom. But right now, I'm gonna cry for awhile.

12 comments:

celisa said...

So beautifully written and I know with a tear in your eye. You are being so incredibly strong, even though I know you don't have a choice, I know you and Nathan will move forward and we will all rejoice again soon. I love you Cherish <3

Susan Christiansen said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I am crying with you. (As for the nurse, I probably would have said something I would have regretted later. You will score brownie points for letting it go.) You and Nathan are in our thoughts and prayers. Love, Susan Christiansen

EvaMarieva said...

Cherish. You are so much stronger than me, I could have never done a post like this. I never spoke up about my miscarriages until years later as it was too hard. I loved how you worded this and I promise you that you will be a mom and a great one at that!

It's ok to cry now, it does help you heal. I did for you when I heard the news. If you ever need anything I am just an email away (or call since I know your inlaws have our number now).

Eva

Heather said...

Hey Cherish-I have been going thru a very rough year and you are my idol! I am so amazed at your perserverance and wonderful attitude! I really am! THank you for sharing your joy and your pain and for keeping it real. This is the kind of thing that Satan would use to try and get you down especially toward Heavenly Father, but you go forward with faith. My love and prayers are with you! Heather Jarvis-Jemmett

Amy said...

You are AMAZING! Thank you for sharing such a hard experience with us all. You wrote that so beautifully and shared some really hard things. Just know that there are so many of us that are crying with you. And we have just as much hope and faith that you will be a mom and a fabulous one at that.

Elaine said...

Oh Cherish, I miss you! You are so amazing and I love you for being strong enough to share! There are many that can take comfort from what you have posted here! Your last couple sentences remind me of a song by Hilary Weeks 'Just Let Me Cry' Take the time to morn it helps more than a brave face! Love ya!

Unknown said...

Even before reading your post, I thought several times about how brave you were to share your early pregnancy news and then about your loss. I myself have been very private about my struggle with fertility and often wondered if I would feel better sharing more. I feel inspired by your choices and have cried with you for your loss. I'm also inspired by your positive attitude toward the future. Hang tough, let yourself feel and heal and keep sharing. Love and hugs, Tricia

Jaime said...

You are one amazing woman. Your children will rise up and call you blessed, for you will have them!! Remember our Father's timing is PERFECT. I weep with you for your loss, but am inspired by your strength and perseverance. Thanks for being a good example for me. Love you much!!

Golda said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm praying for you and Nathan during this difficult time.

Janice said...

Cherish - I too weep with you as I have been there and know how hard it is to lose a baby. I love you so much. You and Nathan are in my prayers constantly. I love you!

Rebecca H. Jamison said...

Cherish,
I am so sad for you. I really admire you for writing about this. So many people refuse to talk about miscarriage.
I was so depressed after my first pregnancy and miscarriage. Looking back I probably should have asked for more help. There's an element of postpartum depression that can come after you lose a baby, so be sure to take care of yourself and keep in touch with your doctor. We all think you and Nathan are such great people and really look forward to seeing you have happier results.

Gina said...

Oh, this reminded me so much of the loss of our first baby. Hope you are healing well and finding peace through the grieving of your baby.

Gina